Navigating a Hard Night on Ayahuasca

By Maureen Walsh

I’ve had my share of hard nights in the medicine space. It’s a wonder that I’ve continued to work with Ayahuasca after some extremely deep and dark ceremonies…but I’ve come to realize (and I guess a part of me always knew, hence why I continued down the path) that once the dust settles, along with the proper integration, that this medicine is life changing and such a gift. In my experience, I’ve been able to extract the most gold, even if it takes some time to see or understand, after navigating through the most challenging and traumatic nights in ceremony. 

My First Experience with Ayahuasca

The first time that I ever sat with Ayahuasca was in Peru on a ten-day retreat. We sat for five nights over that period of time, and it was full power. I had no idea what I was getting into; I barely even knew what Ayahuasca was. I didn’t fully understand what the teacher meant when she said to remember your breath and to utilize the vibration of love as a connection point if things felt out of control. The advice that the organizer gave, on the other hand, did resonate. She said that in every ceremony, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. She recommended holding onto the knowledge that the ceremony would eventually come to an end. I felt more confident and prepared to ride the waves of energy with that knowledge in mind. That was a very helpful anchor over those first five nights and something that still resonates with me after all of these years.

Luckily, the first night was a gentle and beautiful introduction into the mystical realms, but the second night was another story. I learned a powerful and important lesson that second night, which I have carried with me and have relied on ever since. I learned that you can never anticipate what will happen with the medicine! I’ve found that it’s best not to have any expectations and also to approach the space and the plants with a humble reverence. I’ve found through my own experience and through witnessing others that having an attitude of “knowing it all” and what to expect never goes over well.

Moving Through the Darkness

That second night was a tumultuous journey. I managed to knot my waist-long hair into one giant dreadlock that needed to be chopped off completely the following day. I morphed into a wild beast and went deep into the darkest spaces of my psyche, and stayed outside of the maloca most of the night. I released so much stored trauma and grief in that ceremony, and the next day, I was only able to remember small pieces of the night. Ayahuasca took me so deep that I wasn’t capable of doing any navigating. It took me quite a while to realize what a gift that night was. I knew I felt lighter and slightly more free, but I had no idea what actually happened.

Safety and Support

I was immediately able to discover how supportive and beautiful it felt to be met in all of my pain and trauma. I realized how well the space was held and how well taken care of I was. I’ve found through trial and error over the years that it’s extremely important to do your research and to know who you’re sitting with. It’s equally important to make sure that there is additional physical support in the room along with the facilitator. Sometimes, the medicine just takes you on a journey, and when that happens, it can be impossible to navigate those realms on your own. When things are held properly, it’s not a problem. You have the freedom to do the deep work with the knowledge that you are safe and taken care of. There are also times when you can be feeling ok mentally, but the body feels weak… so again, it’s extremely important that there are helpers in the room in case you need assistance making your way to the bathroom or outside.

Techniques for Grounding

The original teachings that I heard my first night sitting, to remember the breath and utilize the vibration of love as a connection point if things felt out of control, have a different meaning for me now. Breath is one of my most important tools that I utilize in ceremonies when things feel too strong to bear. I also like to work with grounding myself into the Earth. This helps to keep me in the room and present with the work that needs to be done. I always call on the highest vibration of light of my angels, guides, and ancestors at the start of the ceremony. If I start to feel scared, I invoke them again and aim to connect to the vibration of love. I have also developed my own conversation with Ayahuasca over the years, and I find this to be such an important part of the work. This has been such a deepening of my journey, bringing the work and my relationship with the medicine into my own hands. 

Integration and Gratitude

With the knowledge that the ceremony will come to an end, it’s just as important to integrate the work (especially when it’s been more challenging) after you return to your everyday life. I have found that meditation and breathwork help a lot, and my favorite for allowing the nervous system to reset after these experiences is yoga nidra. Deep sleep, rest, lots of water, and nourishing food, as well as gentle movement and time in nature, also help with the integration of the deep lessons. 

I’ve sat countless times over the years, and each time, I walk away with a nugget of wisdom and beauty, and again, I normally learn the most and feel lighter after the fact when I’ve had a more challenging night. I’ve also learned not to compare my experience with anyone else’s. 

Embracing Your Personal Journey

This path is a unique journey, and just because someone else was hanging out with angels in a light-filled temple all night while you were in the depths of hell means absolutely nothing. We each need different things at different times, and it is different every time! This is an infinite path of self-discovery and connection to all of creation, and I’m so grateful for all the time I’ve spent in these spaces, especially the darkest ones. 

Learn more about Ayahuasca ceremonies in our blog, “Sitting in a Sacred Ayahuasca Ceremony” by Natalhie Ruiz.

About the Author

Maureen Walsh is an international artist, healer, teacher, and profound friend of Plant Medicines. She has been professionally practicing the healing arts for the last eight years and has been studying yoga and meditation for the last two decades. She is trained in visionary and biodynamic craniosacral therapy and has spent many years studying with master plants around the world. Her connection to the astral realms and her background as an artist are deeply woven into her sessions. She has many years of experience with ceremonial medicines too, and she loves working as a guide before and after ceremony to help her clients prepare and integrate this incredible work.